her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
When you’re here for the treats.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit