The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.