[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
You better watch out
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
you will never know the true number of layers
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.