Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
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whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”