Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.
[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.
Getting a woman:
1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home
I’ve been arrested 10 times
*Eats a Lean Cuisine
*20 minutes go by.
*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.
If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?