@JonasPolsky

James Bond is the type of top secret spy who announces who he is, then shoots everyone and sets off a bomb while doing absolutely no spying.

@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@JonasPolsky

I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.

@JonasPolsky

When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.

@JonasPolsky

If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”

@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”