why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
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those birds must be on payroll
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead