You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.