Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us

Page of JosesLovesYou's best tweets

@JosesLovesYou : You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

@JosesLovesYou: check if your cocaine is good, mix in vinegar. If it makes a volcano, its baking soda. If not, your drugs is ruined. Drugs are always bad.

@JosesLovesYou: Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria's Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

@JosesLovesYou: [at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

@JosesLovesYou: *barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

@JosesLovesYou: [wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube - You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa - Push It}

@JosesLovesYou: Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

@JosesLovesYou: If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.