6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.