I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My dating profile:
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”