I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
The Compass
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.