I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The funk soul brother
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.