Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat