So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
This week’s mood.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
uncle dave has been through hell
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.