[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
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Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Dietest Coke
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.