Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.