Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?
Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.
Dr. Strange showed us that texting while driving is necessary for the survival of humanity.
I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.
ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.
HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.
HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!
Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.
Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.
MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?
ME: Could you wash these jeans?
MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?
ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!
[God creating Raccoons]
GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.
Ahhhh, camping. The great outdoors, just nature for company…
*Playing Call of Duty all weekend with just take out pizza and soda pop for company*
M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!
Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?
M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!
M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?
Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!
Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down
Me: well this is embarrassing