@JustDontBugMe

Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?

Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.

@JustDontBugMe

Dr. Strange showed us that texting while driving is necessary for the survival of humanity.

@JustDontBugMe

I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@JustDontBugMe

[Before Marriage]

ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.

HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.

[After Marriage]

HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!

@JustDontBugMe

[Wedding]

Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.

@JustDontBugMe

[at 10pm]

ME: MOOOOMMMMMM!!!

MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?

ME: Could you wash these jeans?

MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?

ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!

@JustDontBugMe

[God creating Raccoons]

GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

ANGEL: UMMM…

GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.

ANGEL: SIGH.

@JustDontBugMe

[The dream]
Ahhhh, camping. The great outdoors, just nature for company…

[Reality]
*Playing Call of Duty all weekend with just take out pizza and soda pop for company*

@JustDontBugMe

M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!

@JustDontBugMe

M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?

Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!

Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down

Me: well this is embarrassing