I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too