No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.