me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?