*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
You Might Also Like
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.