My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Cause of death: Zumba
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
not for long
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you