*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.