@Just__J0

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

@Just__J0

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@Just__J0

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

@Just__J0

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

@Just__J0

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

@Just__J0

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

@Just__J0

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

@Just__J0

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.