Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.