The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*