My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines