[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
it’s the silliest best thing
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.