My love language is deader than Latin
You Might Also Like
No point crayon over spilled milk.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.