People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
i prefer mine room temperature.
There is wisdom there.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.