I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“That’s what” – She