FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
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doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?