Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
they split up moments later
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 馃槀 instead of 馃敟 on a sexy dm room pic.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that鈥檚 low, Sharon
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I鈥檝e deleted all dating apps off my phone I鈥檓 over it 馃槶 I鈥檓 waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that鈥檚 too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me