things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick


Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.


Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer


priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat


[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no


God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever


little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you


Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain


[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls


Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?