priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat


[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no


God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever


little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you


Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain


[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls


Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?


Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.


Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work


Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.