@KWalps

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

@KWalps

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

@KWalps

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

@KWalps

priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat

@KWalps

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

@KWalps

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

@KWalps

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

@KWalps

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

@KWalps

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

@KWalps

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?