priest: you may now kiss the bride
me: hell yea
priest: sir please get back in your seat
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.
Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.