A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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Me if I was a dog
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.