[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Good boy 😂😂
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions