My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
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jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas