At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.