My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know