If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Your secret is safeish with me
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it