Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.