“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is