My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup