Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
what’s more important?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]