my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
OH. COME. ON.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
we’re dead?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet