Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
You Might Also Like
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch