My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
These work great until they don’t.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.