The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
A fake ID that makes you younger
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”