[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Buck naked
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?