We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
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God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved